Rumor: “Enter an ICE (in case of emergency) listing on your cell phone so the paramedics will have an emergency contact for you! Do it now or you will die! Run, run! Live in fear and panic! Then forward this to 400 of your closest friends because forwarded emails containing half-truths are an asset to our society!”

Oh, give me a break.

I started out as an EMT, then a Paramedic, then I went on to become an ER/Trauma nurse in the late 90’s, so I think it’s safe to say that I am allowed to have an opinion on this matter.

I do not have an “ICE” entry on my phone, nor will I. It’s just not necessary.

1. It’s not the paramedics or the ER staff treating you that will contact your family; it’s the cops or the hospital social workers/chaplain/admission staff. They will look in your wallet and/or medical records for an emergency contact.
   
   As a paramedic, I’d love how I’d be doing CPR on someone, my partner and the fire crew scrambling, and the family member would say, “Call my uncle James and tell him to meet us at the hospital!” Um, no. Kinda busy now.
2. Looking in a wallet is much quicker and easier than trying to figure out the phone book on infinite models of cell phones.
3. You need more than one emergency contact anyway.
4. Your cell phone may not be with you, or may not survive the incident that rendered you unconscious or dead. Most people always carry a wallet, and a wallet doesn’t need to be charged, and can survive a high-impact motor vehicle accident just fine.
5. Important info (medical conditions, allergies) may not be easily obtained from a shocked and traumatized emergency contact, even if they are reachable. WRITE IT DOWN. Medical history, meds (including dosages), allergies. DATE it. Carry it with you in your wallet. (Medical professionals always look in your wallet — FOR AN INSURANCE CARD! Ha ha, I slay me! But it’s true.)
6. If your cell phone IS with you, and survives whatever has tried to kill you, it’s pretty easy for the cops or whoever to find your last name on your drivers license, then call all the people with the same last name in your cell’s phone book. Don’t have the same last name as your family? Then put an emergency contact card in your wallet, since (are you getting the message yet?) they will look in your wallet first!

Your cell CANNOT store an easily-accessible database of your medical history, meds, or allergies. (Emergency personnel won’t have the owners manual to learn how to work your model of cell phone, even if it does have a PDA type of function, and they don’t have time to figure it out.) Contacting your family is secondary to providing lifesaving care. Having an emergency contact number is a bonus, but again, it can go in your wallet. A second easy-to-find emergency info card can go in your cars’ glove compartment. A third emergency info card can be taped to your refrigerator door at home. Medics should ALWAYS check the door of the fridge (that’s where medical info/DNR orders have been posted for decades). Because, what if you’re home alone and have to call 911, and you’re unconscious by the time they get there? Medics and cops don’t have time to be searching your entire house for prescription bottles and your stupid goddamn cellphone for the stupid goddamn ICE information.

While we’re preparing for emergencies here, how about putting some house address numbers on your house that can be seen from the street at night by some living creature other than an eagle with bionic eyes and night vision goggles?

How much do you want to bet that at least 30 percent of the people frantically entering “ICE” info on their cell have no easily visible house numbers that would allow fire/police/EMS to find their house in an emergency.

To summarize: Please, for the love of God, stop forwarding those stupid ICE emails! ICE info, if found at all, will not be looked at until AFTER looking in your wallet. There’s so many other things you can do that would better help out emergency personnel in case the unthinkable happens.

PS - Signing an organ donor card is meaningless if your family will object to the procedure. Make your wishes known to your family that you want to be an organ donor if the worst happens.

I know you want to be an organ donor because only stupid, selfish, ignorant pieces of shit would refuse to donate their organs, and people like that don’t read my blog.

You want what? No, there is no way I could have possibly heard you right. You want creationism (Intelligent Design) to be taught in schools? With my fucking tax dollars?

Are you ’shroomin?

Anyone who believes that the world is only 5,000 years old and was created in 6 days deserves to be slapped for their stupidity. And God may just be the first in line to slap them.

Now, now. Don’t damn me to hell just yet! (And if you stop reading here, then don’t bother commenting/emailing with anger or offers of prayers for my soul because you haven’t heard me out.)

1) Why can’t the story of Genesis be taken as a parable, like so many other parts of the Bible? There are so, so many parts of the Bible that you have to take with a grain of salt (is this Bible passage a parable to teach a truth or lesson? was the passage translated correctly? was this passage phrased this way so that the message would speak to the people of the time, i.e. kick a woman out of the house during her period, owning slaves is just great in the Lord’s eyes, you go to hell if you eat pork, blah blah).

2) God is a pretty smart gal/guy. Don’t you think that He/She, when creating the world, would put evolution in place? Kind of a “low-maintenance” plan? It’s a genius system, really. One that may be of divine creation in itself. Why should God upgrade the world every few thousand years? Why not build in an adaptation system (i.e. evolution) to do the upgrading for Him/Her?

I do NOT think that keeping an open mind to scientific discoveries and being a Christian are mutually exclusive. God gave us our brain and curiousity and intelligence. Isn’t the blind disregard of scientific progress in order to unquestioningly adhere to old myths and superstition a slap in God’s face?

The fact that religious OPINION is being legislated into public school cirriculum should make everyone fucking terrified, even the people whose opinions are currently popular enough to be forced down our throats. It’s your day to bully us now, but what next? $cientology “truths” being given equal time in the classroom? You laugh now, but what if Tom/Katie cause the popularity of the murderous cult to skyrocket, and $cientology becomes just as popular as Christianity? They’ll be a majority then, and based on the religious right precedent, they may just be able to legislate their religious viewpoints as well.

OK they will never be that popular because 1) they kill off their members by withholding medical care, and 2) they require hundreds of thousands of dollars out of their church members over a lifetime, and not many people have that kind of money. But still, ya feel me?

But what if another Intelligent Design viewpoint, such as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, rides in on the coattails of the religions who want to legislate their OPINIONS into public school (paid with tax dollars) cirriculum? (Thanks Ann for the link!) An excerpt:

We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is.

For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage.

Seriously people, if you can believe that a supreme being created the entire world, then surely you can believe that the same supreme being created evolution and put it in place in the world He/She created.

Quit trying to feel superior to others by beating us with your interpretation of the Bible. Find another way to get some self-esteem.

For thousands of years, people much smarter than you or I have devoted their entire lives to interpreting the Bible. These people can’t even reach a consensus on what the truth is. It terrifies me to think that Bobby Jo and Cletus, proud GED recipients in FuckingKillMeNow, Kansas are so certain they know the absolute truth about the universe that they are forcing the rest of us to listen to their THEORIES, despite a complete lack of scientific evidence and proof.

Truly scary folks. And shame on you, Bobby Jo and Cletus.

PS - Ha ha! “Noodly Appendage”

Inspired by Lauren; in fact, I even left these in her comments. But I pulled something in my back tonight and I’m in so much pain that my snarkiness is seeping into my recipes.

I don’t cook much, but when I do, I have two favorite recipies. In fact, one isn’t even cooking.

Expand if you’re remotely interested in popularity and stardom.
(more…)

This story on Alas, a blog reminds me of the ethical problems I have with FAITH-BASED OPINIONS on health care being LEGISLATED.

In fact, I have big problems with any entity telling me how to be a nurse, based upon their religious opinion. Even though I do think religious hospitals have a right not to provide certain medical procedures they object to (in certain, non-emergent circumstances), I don’t think they should withhold information about treatment options from patients. Stick with me on this.

When I went to (a very Catholic) nursing school and went to work in (a very Catholic) hospital, I was still Very Catholic (I have since recovered), and very concerned that I would be asked to assist with an abortion some day, so I purposefully avoided working in a hospital where that would ever be asked of me.

But I would NEVER morally be able to say to a rape victim, a desperate single woman who has no support, or to someone who would die if they remained pregnant, “Sorry, I can’t talk to you about where else to turn for abortion resources and information because it’s against my religion.” (Or my religion at the time, since I haven’t been Catholic since some Colorado priest said I had to vote for Bush or go to hell.)

When I signed up to be an RN, I did so fully knowing that I would have to put my PATIENT’S welfare above my own judgments and opinions.

To me, becoming a medical professional then saying that you won’t give patients certain medical information is the same as joining up for the military, then expecting special treatment because you don’t “believe in” war.

A Jehovah’s Witness friend was an RN with me on the Intensive Care unit, and you didn’t hear her whine and spew about giving blood transfusions. It was against her religion, but it was her JOB and it was what was medically best for the patient so she did it.

If you’re an RN or a doctor who doesn’t believe in elective, non-emergent abortions, then by all means don’t work where you’d have to be a part of giving that procedure.

However, sometimes your patients will need information about where to receive services that you don’t personally find “moral” (such as abortion, birth control, tubal ligation/vasectomies, or emergency contraception), and by God it is your DUTY to tell them that these things are options, and where else to go to get more information. Especially if the information is time-sensitive, like EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION.

When I worked for one of those “ask-a-nurse” lines, we’d get callers asking about emergency contraception all of the time, and I wasn’t allowed to tell them anything because I worked for a faith-based hospital.

As an RN I found this in direct conflict with my duty to provide my patient with information that was the best for them medically.

Although EC is not the magic-fluffy-unicorn-and-rainbow-gumdrop-smiles pill that some people seem to think it is, it’s potential dangers and side effects are certainly less than having an invasive medical procedure like an abortion.

Again, let me make this perfectly clear: Although I think it’s a faith-based hospital’s right to not give treatments that their viewpoint considers murderous, I think it’s irresponsible for them to withhold medical advice about treatment alternatives that are as TIME SENSITIVE as emergency contraception. The delay in seeking EC may cause the patient to eventually need an abortion, which has more medical risks for the patient.

Isn’t the medical profession all about doing what is the best thing for the patient’s health?

Also, even faith-based hospitals receive huge amounts of government money (medicare, medicaid). So I do think they have some responsibility to all patients, not just ones that believe in a particular religion.

So, when callers would call the ask-a nurse line asking about EC, I’d tell them (as required) that the ask-a-nurse line is operated by a faith-based organization and I was not allowed to give any advice about the morning-after pill.

But then I’d add, “You need to call your doctor RIGHT AWAY or go to a non-religious ER right away to receive that information.”

Do you see what I did there?

I could have been fired for saying that (and the religious zealots of the organization called us trying to trap us all of the time, so it was a huge risk for me to say that).

You’d think the caller would get the hint, right?

Here’s an example of a typical conversation (usually it’s the male callers that get all pissed off; the female callers seemed to catch on):

Caller (mad): What do you mean you can’t give me that info? That’s your JOB!

What I wanted to say: Hey asswipe, this call is free and you’re not paying me. Your recent promotion to cashier at the Texaco is not equivalent to bachelors degree in nursing so don’t tell me what my job is. Besides, I just risked my job telling you what to do anyway, even though it’s not my fault that you’re too selfish, stupid, irresponsible, and impulsive to wear a condom!

What I said: OK, let me repeat to you that I’m not allowed to tell you anything, and that I’m not allowed to say that YOUR GIRLFRIEND NEEDS TO BE SEEN IN A NON-RELIGIOUS-BASED ER OR NEEDS TO CALL HER DOCTOR THIS WEEKEND.

Caller (even madder): Why can’t you just fucking answer me and tell me what we need to do!

Me (pissy, and talking slowly like I was talking to the stupidest asswipe on the planet, which I was): Think about what I said for a moment. I said that I’m not allowed to tell you that your girlfriend only has 72 hours from the time you had sex to seek emergency contraception, that you’re running out of time, and that you cannot get this service from any religious hospital. I’m NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU what I JUST TOLD YOU.

Rocket scientist: Whatever. Thanks for not helping me, bitch! *hangs up*

Me: Please God, don’t let that stupid fuck breed.

See, even if I thought that emergency contraception was murder (and having been raised Catholic, we were taught to believe that life begins at conception, not implantation, so it would be murder according to my religion), it is still my duty to give the patient time-sensitive medical information that is best for their health.

That’s why I said what I was not allowed to say at the nurse advice line. If they called and they’re 12 weeks pregnant and want an abortion and are having no problems, I would go by the rules and them we were faith-based and they would have to go somewhere else for the information, because it was not a time-sensitive issue and they would have time to wait until Monday to call Planned Parenthood or their doctor. However, with EC, there is often not that much time. I would have rather lost my job than violate my duty to do what was best for the patient medically.

Please tell your friends: EC is not without risks and side effects, so don’t consider it something that you can just casually pick up, like a pack of gum. It’s best to plan ahead and use birth control than think, “Oh well, I’ll get laid tonight and just pop some EC in the morning.” However, EC is much better medically and emotionally than having an abortion later on, so if you ever need it, you must take it within 72 hours of having sex, and you won’t get it at a religious hospital.

PROTIP: If the hospital name has the word “Saint” anywhere in it, you won’t likely be getting EC there, depending on the ER doc, so don’t even try.

Also, Planned Parenthood is your FRIEND.

Know your EC and birth control facts BEFORE you need them, because if the article at Alas, A Blog (and my personal experience) is any indication, you may not be able to GET the information when you DO need it.

My dreams aren’t often the very realistic kind.

This morning I had a very real and very vivid dream that I lost control while passing a car on the highest interchange overpass of I-25 (top overpass is above two other overpasses and the highway itself). I lost control from the top one, and drove through a guardrail and into space. I thought to myself in the dream as I floated in midair a la Wylie Coyote and gazed down past three tiers of interchanges to the inevitable blacktop below:

“Well, I wasn’t expecting to die today. So this is how I’m going to die. I wish I had cleaned my house. Oh well, at least it will be quick and painless. I sure hope God forgives me and takes me to heaven.”

Then just before my car flipped upside down and hit the pavement, I woke up with my heart pounding.

I thought, “Oh my God! Did I just have a premonition? Is that how I’m going to die?!!!!”

Then I realized that last week I had a very realistic dream that I was dating Denis Leary, and he hasn’t shown up on my doorstep to declare his love for me yet. So until THAT dream comes true, I won’t be sitting around waiting for this mornings’ dream to come true.

Still, I really should clean my house…

Last night was the first “deputy in distress” code I’ve experienced since working at the jail. When the call came out over the radio, I looked at the other nurse I worked with and we were both thinking the same thing: BETTER NOT BE FUCKING WITH OUR OFFICERS! OH NO YOU DIDN’T!

The deputies don’t always like or respect the nurses at the jail. Sometimes we make more work for them, like insisting that the person blowing a 0.425 gets a medical clearance from an ER doc before we accept them. That’s when they try to tell us that the firefighters have already cleared them medically.

Excuse me, but firefighters don’t work here, are not bound by the standing orders written by our chief medical officer physician, and aren’t the ones who have to take care of the inmate. Also, just because they have penises does not mean that their medical wisdom is above mine. I respect EMTs, because I started out as one. I respect paramedics, because I was one. But then I went on and became an RN, and I now have 15 years medical experience. Don’t make me fucking discuss my resume and credentials with you just because I have a uterus, K?

ANYWAY, back to my point. The deputy being “acted upon” by the inmate ended up being OK.

But it reminded me that my old code of “any officer in uniform is MY officer, and ya don’t fuck with them” that I had from my EMS days is still alive and well. Even though, as an RN, the officers don’t have the respect for me and the comaraderie with me that they had way back when I was a paramedic.

After the incident, the other nurse and I were talking with the sargeant about how pissed off we would have been if the inmate had actually hurt an officer.

In conversation, both myself and the other nurse relayed to the (male) sargeant that we felt that way despite the fact that we had been let down by/had reason to be mistrustful of police agencies in the past.

As our stories spilled out, I was shocked at the sheer number of times that both of us have been let down by select few officers (in other states).

Once, she had called the cops because she had a restraining order against her soon-to-be ex-husband. They showed up and stood around and watched him beat her. Then, after he had broken two of her ribs and her nose, they put HER in handcuffs. Why did this happen? Her husband was a police officer.

I didn’t even try to call the cops when my (now ex) husband turned from emotionally abusive to physically abusive. He was a firefighter, and even though the cops in my hometown were awesome for the most part, I knew from my EMS days they have no sympathy for battered wives, and they have a lot of allegiance to firefighters.

Also, once I was in an accident where a man tried to make a left turn from the far right lane and crashed into me. The officer that responded FROM THE DERBY, KANSAS POLICE DEPARTMENT (yeah, I’m talkin to you!) tried everything to frame me for the accident. Let me make it clear: I was driving straight down the road when someone TURNED THEIR CAR AND SLAMMED INTO MINE. It was very clear that I was 0% at fault. The cop even went so far as to say that it was my fault the guy hit the right side of my car, because my front driver-side tire was 8 inches over the double yellow line on the left side of the car (where my car was pushed when the other guy crashed into me). The guy even told the officer repeatedly, “Hey, it was MY fault! Why are you trying to blame her?” (Even though he later “caught on” to the officer’s intentions and told his insurance agency that it was my fault. I was still found blameless in the accident.)

Ya know, I still can’t believe that happened. It was fucking UNREAL. Power in the wrong hands can be a frightening thing.

But despite these bad experiences, and some other bad experiences since, I will always have the utmost love and respect for law enforcement officers. Every profession has its assholes. But if push came to shove, even the asshole cops out there are willing to DIE for STRANGERS.

How can you not be loyal to that?

I still hope the cop that tried to blame me for the car wreck gets infected hemorrhoids and chronic explosive diarrhea. Rot in hell, ya woman-hating bastard!

But for the rest of you in uniform out there — you may or may not treat me very kindly if we ever cross paths (I’m not a cute, thin young thing in a miniskirt any more), but I still send you much love and pray you stay safe. Thanks for everything that you do for all of us.

I don’t understand the advertisements about “Summer’s Here!” like it’s a big whoop-dee-doo. Who likes it? It’s hot. Gas prices go up. Kids are out of school and on my lawn (geddoff my lawn, ya damn kids!).

I want fall, and sweatshirts. I want winter and snow. I want the end of my deodorant failure.

Oh April in Colorado. How I miss you!

Inmate, to me: “YOU get your fucking FAT ASS down those stairs and get me some tylenol, NOW!”

What I said (calmly): “We’re done here.” I shut the cell door pass-thru and walk away, as the deputy locks up and the inmate continues screaming for my death and throwing things in her cell.

What I wanted to say: “I may be fat, but I can lose weight, and you’ll never lose your chronic and debilitating case of ‘crazy scumbag whore’. Not only is my fat ass going to be sleeping in its own bed tonight, but I think I’ll take some tylenol right now, just because I can. Bitch.”

* Events written about in this entry are fictional, and are not at all based upon what I may or may not have seen at work last night. Any resemblance to real-life morons and true cluster-fuck events is purely coincidental.

Work release is a pretty sweet deal. You keep your day job, get to eat anything you want all day, wear normal clothes, and do whatever. You only have to return to jail at night to serve your sentence.

TIPS FOR PEOPLE ON WORK RELEASE:

1. If your girlfriend (who is married to someone else) is the one picking you up and dropping you off every day, have her stay in the car. Don’t have her greet you warmly in the very-public courthouse.

2. Do not choose the parking lot of the jail — which has police officers, sheriff’s officers, and surveillance cameras everywhere — as the place to beat up said girlfriend just after she gave you a ride back to jail for the night. Not only will charges be pressed, but officer eyewitness testimony and video presented in court is pretty strong evidence against you. Also, you’ll lose your sweet work release deal which included keeping your job, keeping your income, and obviously some stolen nookie-time with said girlfriend.

BONUS TIP FOR THE LADIES!

When filling out a police report after having the shit kicked out of you by your significant other, the phrase “I love him so much!” is really not relevant.

I’m a Cancer with an Aquarius rising. Although I didn’t write this letter to Elsa’s advice column, Elsa’s answer certainly explains why I act the way I do with my family. For example, the Cancer in me will invite my uber-Catholic parents to visit, then the Aquarius in me greets them at the door wearing this t-shirt (link not work safe).

And yes, I really did that. You should have seen the look on my parents’ faces. They looked like they had just smelled stale cheese made of foot fungus with rotavirus baby-diaper sauce.