* Events written about in this entry are fictional, and are not at all based upon what I may or may not have seen at work last night. Any resemblance to real-life morons and true cluster-fuck events is purely coincidental.

If you are a Spanish-speaking inmate, we will do everything we can to provide interpreters for you if you have questions of the cell block deputies, or if you need medical assistance, or what have you.

However, for a handfull of you to try and organize a riot (with talk of killing guards!) because you think that the other hundreds of inmates in the jail should have to watch your preference of Spanish-speaking TV channels is a bit too much, don’t you think?

All of the inmates in each cell block have to vote upon which of the 100-plus cable TV channels to watch at any given time during the day or evening. Since this is, um, America, naturally the vote usually goes to select English-speaking TV shows.

And you want to throw a temper tantrum about that?

Let me spell it out for you. I speak English. If I moved to Mexico and got arrested, I wouldn’t expect everyone I came into contact with to speak English. It’s Mexico. They speak Spanish in Mexico. I knew this before I went to Mexico. I wouldn’t expect the hundreds of fellow prisoners in the jail to watch TV shows in English — a language they couldn’t understand — just for my convenience. I’d either learn to speak Spanish, or I’d shut the fuck up and make a mental note to not get arrested in a non-English-speaking country again.

So, to all of the inmates who think they should riot (cause hundreds of thousands of dollars in property destruction and hurt/kill deputies and other inmates) so they can watch Spanish-speaking TV shows which most of their fellow inmates cannot understand:

If you want to sit around a jail with free room and board and watch Spanish-speaking TV programs all day, then get arrested in a Spanish-speaking country.

More tips:

Tips for the Incarcerated, Episode 1
And don’t EVEN whine to me about the food!

Could this possibly be the subconscious root of my deeply-seeded Greg Brady resentment?

Naah. It’s that goddamn song.

“Clowns never laughed before…”

OH MOTHER OF ALL FUCK!

“Clowns never laughed before
Beanstalks never grew
Ponies never ran before
‘Til I met you!”

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! Get out of my head!

Why God, why did I channel surf past TV Land during an episode of the Brady Bunch when Greg was singing this stupid song whilst he was also engaging in the epic intellectual battle between peer pressure, smoking, and doing what’s right?

It took years of hard drinking to get this song out of my head, and now it’s back.

Fuck you, Greg. Fuck you right in your ear.

If you don’t have Chaos Theory blogrolled, you should. It’s one of the most entertaining and eclectic current events /gossip /political /humor blogs out there. In fact, I’ve never seen one quite like it.

This blog entry about a Salon.com letter frightened me more than any of the Al Qaeda nuclear bomb threats going around lately.

I’ll post the letter in a minute, but may I just say first…

Using Jesus, the Bible, or any facet of Christianity to bully or belittle people is MORE ANTI-CHRISTIAN THAN BEING AN ATHEIST!

Jesus was about love and forgiveness. Hell, one of his closest confidants Mary Magdalen was a prostitute. Even as He died on the cross, he asked his Father to forgive those killing him. With His dying breath He did NOT say, “All of society, shun, ridicule, belittle, judge, and harass those who do not believe in me!”

With Bin Laden and other terrorists, they say they are doing what they do because of their faith, but really it’s because they are using their faith to boost their self-esteem and justify their quest for all-encompassing power. Few would argue that their “live the way I tell you to or die” viewpoints are a detriment to mankind, and purely evil (for those who believe in evil). Are fundamental Christians in this country really that far off from this line of thinking?

After reading this letter, I believe they’re closer than I thought. (I added the bolding to some of the text)

“Five years ago I moved with my husband from a blue state to a red state to be closer to his family. The cultural differences are enormous, and I still have not adjusted. One of the things I have noticed are crosses and fish symbols next to businesses in the phone book.

My two experiences with overtly Christian businesses have been as follows: A kitchen remodeling company initially refused to work with us because they thought my husband and I were “living in sin” since I didn’t take my husband’s last name when we got married (which is a sin in and of itself out here, but that’s another article). We also got a lecture on Jesus and were asked if we were Christians, with the implication being that they wouldn’t work with us if we weren’t (they were an astronomically good deal, so we did the non-Christian thing and lied our asses off; I’m a lapsed Christian and my husband is non-Christian).

The second business was a tiling company. As the worker was tiling a wall he proceeded to berate me for not having children, implying that my decision was an “affront to God.” I chose not to have children for medical reasons, none of which are his business.

Why did I put up with this? Well, besides good pricing, I’d be hard pressed not to find a business around here that proselytizes in one form or another. After reading Lynn Harris’ article, I’m now more concerned that the “Christian business model” is becoming widespread. Make no mistake, the businesses that I’ve come into contact with have obviously had no problems with harassment and discrimination. These so-called Christians seem intent on driving non-Christians to second-class citizenry, if they’re allowed to be citizens at all. I’m so fearful of the direction this country is headed in, I can hardly stand it. On the bright side though, my husband and I have become excellent do-it-yourselfers over the past few years.”

Most of us who don’t live in the South think, “If some fucking bastard that I’m paying to tile my kitchen starts talking about my lack of children, I’d kick him out of my house!” But we don’t have to live in that town. The repercussions would not be worth standing up for your principles.

Scary, scary, scary.

I’m going to be moving in a little while!

I’m going to have two new site designs by Rachel at Web Divas, and hosting by Amscray.

While my fabulous designer is working on my site design, I need your help.

Against all odds, according to checkdomain.com it appears that drunkenlagomorph.com is registered to someone else (what the fuck?)

Of course I could do drunken-lagomorph.com, but I thought I’d ask you guys if you have any other ideas for my domain name.

Drunkbunny.org is available.

Any ideas? Preferences? Suggestions? All I ask is that the URL name be work safe for those who read at work. Sure, it would be natural for me to have a URL with “bitch” somewhere in the title, but let’s refrain from that for the workin’ folks*.

* This is super secret code for “sometimes I like to blog at work.” I can only blog at one of my jobs, and since I have many, you’ll never guess which one.

UPDATE:

So far the top runners are:
drunkbunny.org
intoxicatty.com (suggested by the handsome B2)
buzzed-bunny.com (or buzzedbunny.org), suggested by Anne.

I live in Colorado and yooouuuu don’t! Nyah, nyah, nyah!

Garden of the Gods, Colorado Springs, Colorado. June 2005. Click for bigger.

Top of Pikes Peak, Manitou Springs Cog Railway, June 2005

Morning view from my upstairs window. April 2005.

The way this woman thinks… I love it so much… so very, very much!

Instead of discipline we have time outs and other such laughable shit that it is no wonder we now have a generation of young 20 year olds who have no courtesy, common sense, decency, motivation or manners. All we have now is a shit load of selfish, rude, condascening, idiotic, inconsiderate, thoughtless, self centered, egotistical snot nosed punks who think the world owes them something.

Bravo progressive parents. You’ve done a bang up job. Assholes.

** Disclaimer: “Time outs”, if done RIGHT and not halfassed because the parent can’t follow through with discipline, can be effective for some children. But if it doesn’t seem to correct the child’s behavior, move on to another form of discipline.

PROTIP: Sending the child to their rooms for four minutes with their PSP and toys is not exactly a difficult-to-endure punishment. I doubt if Snotleigh will learn anything from it.

I have this conversation with various inmates at least 3-5 times a day:

Inmate (in an indignant tone): The food here sucks! There is no excuse for it! I’m calling my lawyer!*

Me (in a faux-understanding tone): I haven’t tried it myself, but I’m sure it is pretty awful, you poor thing. In fact, I think the only people who get worse food are our brave military men and women serving our country and risking their lives every day in Iraq! I bet they’d trade their MREs for the food you get any day. – I smile sweetly. –

Inmate: – Silence –

________________________

* What I wish I could say also:

You can order from the comissary, which has plenty of reasonably-priced food and snacks to buy if you don’t like what is being served in the jail. What, you have no money? Well, you had PLENTY of money for your DAILY meth use, pot use, and 20 year, 2 packs per day cigarette smoking habits. You also had enough money to buy enough liquor to enable you to get drunk enough to swerve your car all over the highway with a blood alcohol content of 0.25 (legal limit 0.08), so where did all your wealth evaporate to? You’ve only been in jail five days! Maybe you should plan better financially the next time you try to kill people with your drunk driving and get arrested for it, or molest your granddaughter, or violate a restraining order eight times, etc.

FUN FACT: Most prisoners maintain their weight or gain weight in jail.

FUN FACT #2: If the food is that bad, then why do the deputies (who can leave and go to McDonalds if they want to) gladly eat any extra prisoner meals the kitchen has on hand?

B2, the greatest writer on the planet, teaches us about kitty cooties.

Want to get rich quick? Start taking antidepressants (or other drugs), then go out and kill (or try to kill) people. You will suffer no consequences of your crimes, AND you will make millions suing the drug companies! It’s a win-win plan! (Oh, except for the victims of your crime. They don’t win. But who cares about them? Your right to follow any impulse in your head trumps their right to live.)

CNN will help you establish your defense and lay grounds for your future civil claims!

Oh, it’s not his fault. It’s the medication!

No one’s saying she’s on medication or alcohol, but let’s speculate that she is, because this can’t be her fault!

Some people in this world are just stupid, selfish/self-centered, crazy, or downright evil. These people may or may not also be on medication, doing illegal drugs, or drinking alcohol. This does not absolve them of responsibility for their actions, and I’m so sick of reading news articles that imply so.