But when I told Clinton jokes, they were about semen, cigars, and dresses.

There was no fodder for jokes like this one (again, I steal from my favorite internet guy over at Polka Boy).

RIDDLE:

Q: How many five-week vacations did FDR and Winston Churchill take during WWII?

A: Fuck Bush!

Then one of the commenters at his blog shared this joke:

How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be
   changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either responsible for changing the light bulb or for darkness.
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a stepladder under the banner: Lightbulb Change Accomplished.
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb changing policy all along.
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

But the biggest laugh of all was B2’s presidential mailbag! “Thanks for writing, ‘mom’!”

And to prove that I laugh at people from any political party, and that I can take it as well as I can dish it out…

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If you don’t have Chaos Theory blogrolled, you should. It’s one of the most entertaining and eclectic current events /gossip /political /humor blogs out there. In fact, I’ve never seen one quite like it.

This blog entry about a Salon.com letter frightened me more than any of the Al Qaeda nuclear bomb threats going around lately.

I’ll post the letter in a minute, but may I just say first…

Using Jesus, the Bible, or any facet of Christianity to bully or belittle people is MORE ANTI-CHRISTIAN THAN BEING AN ATHEIST!

Jesus was about love and forgiveness. Hell, one of his closest confidants Mary Magdalen was a prostitute. Even as He died on the cross, he asked his Father to forgive those killing him. With His dying breath He did NOT say, “All of society, shun, ridicule, belittle, judge, and harass those who do not believe in me!”

With Bin Laden and other terrorists, they say they are doing what they do because of their faith, but really it’s because they are using their faith to boost their self-esteem and justify their quest for all-encompassing power. Few would argue that their “live the way I tell you to or die” viewpoints are a detriment to mankind, and purely evil (for those who believe in evil). Are fundamental Christians in this country really that far off from this line of thinking?

After reading this letter, I believe they’re closer than I thought. (I added the bolding to some of the text)

“Five years ago I moved with my husband from a blue state to a red state to be closer to his family. The cultural differences are enormous, and I still have not adjusted. One of the things I have noticed are crosses and fish symbols next to businesses in the phone book.

My two experiences with overtly Christian businesses have been as follows: A kitchen remodeling company initially refused to work with us because they thought my husband and I were “living in sin” since I didn’t take my husband’s last name when we got married (which is a sin in and of itself out here, but that’s another article). We also got a lecture on Jesus and were asked if we were Christians, with the implication being that they wouldn’t work with us if we weren’t (they were an astronomically good deal, so we did the non-Christian thing and lied our asses off; I’m a lapsed Christian and my husband is non-Christian).

The second business was a tiling company. As the worker was tiling a wall he proceeded to berate me for not having children, implying that my decision was an “affront to God.” I chose not to have children for medical reasons, none of which are his business.

Why did I put up with this? Well, besides good pricing, I’d be hard pressed not to find a business around here that proselytizes in one form or another. After reading Lynn Harris’ article, I’m now more concerned that the “Christian business model” is becoming widespread. Make no mistake, the businesses that I’ve come into contact with have obviously had no problems with harassment and discrimination. These so-called Christians seem intent on driving non-Christians to second-class citizenry, if they’re allowed to be citizens at all. I’m so fearful of the direction this country is headed in, I can hardly stand it. On the bright side though, my husband and I have become excellent do-it-yourselfers over the past few years.”

Most of us who don’t live in the South think, “If some fucking bastard that I’m paying to tile my kitchen starts talking about my lack of children, I’d kick him out of my house!” But we don’t have to live in that town. The repercussions would not be worth standing up for your principles.

Scary, scary, scary.

You want what? No, there is no way I could have possibly heard you right. You want creationism (Intelligent Design) to be taught in schools? With my fucking tax dollars?

Are you ’shroomin?

Anyone who believes that the world is only 5,000 years old and was created in 6 days deserves to be slapped for their stupidity. And God may just be the first in line to slap them.

Now, now. Don’t damn me to hell just yet! (And if you stop reading here, then don’t bother commenting/emailing with anger or offers of prayers for my soul because you haven’t heard me out.)

1) Why can’t the story of Genesis be taken as a parable, like so many other parts of the Bible? There are so, so many parts of the Bible that you have to take with a grain of salt (is this Bible passage a parable to teach a truth or lesson? was the passage translated correctly? was this passage phrased this way so that the message would speak to the people of the time, i.e. kick a woman out of the house during her period, owning slaves is just great in the Lord’s eyes, you go to hell if you eat pork, blah blah).

2) God is a pretty smart gal/guy. Don’t you think that He/She, when creating the world, would put evolution in place? Kind of a “low-maintenance” plan? It’s a genius system, really. One that may be of divine creation in itself. Why should God upgrade the world every few thousand years? Why not build in an adaptation system (i.e. evolution) to do the upgrading for Him/Her?

I do NOT think that keeping an open mind to scientific discoveries and being a Christian are mutually exclusive. God gave us our brain and curiousity and intelligence. Isn’t the blind disregard of scientific progress in order to unquestioningly adhere to old myths and superstition a slap in God’s face?

The fact that religious OPINION is being legislated into public school cirriculum should make everyone fucking terrified, even the people whose opinions are currently popular enough to be forced down our throats. It’s your day to bully us now, but what next? $cientology “truths” being given equal time in the classroom? You laugh now, but what if Tom/Katie cause the popularity of the murderous cult to skyrocket, and $cientology becomes just as popular as Christianity? They’ll be a majority then, and based on the religious right precedent, they may just be able to legislate their religious viewpoints as well.

OK they will never be that popular because 1) they kill off their members by withholding medical care, and 2) they require hundreds of thousands of dollars out of their church members over a lifetime, and not many people have that kind of money. But still, ya feel me?

But what if another Intelligent Design viewpoint, such as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, rides in on the coattails of the religions who want to legislate their OPINIONS into public school (paid with tax dollars) cirriculum? (Thanks Ann for the link!) An excerpt:

We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is.

For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage.

Seriously people, if you can believe that a supreme being created the entire world, then surely you can believe that the same supreme being created evolution and put it in place in the world He/She created.

Quit trying to feel superior to others by beating us with your interpretation of the Bible. Find another way to get some self-esteem.

For thousands of years, people much smarter than you or I have devoted their entire lives to interpreting the Bible. These people can’t even reach a consensus on what the truth is. It terrifies me to think that Bobby Jo and Cletus, proud GED recipients in FuckingKillMeNow, Kansas are so certain they know the absolute truth about the universe that they are forcing the rest of us to listen to their THEORIES, despite a complete lack of scientific evidence and proof.

Truly scary folks. And shame on you, Bobby Jo and Cletus.

PS - Ha ha! “Noodly Appendage”

This story on Alas, a blog reminds me of the ethical problems I have with FAITH-BASED OPINIONS on health care being LEGISLATED.

In fact, I have big problems with any entity telling me how to be a nurse, based upon their religious opinion. Even though I do think religious hospitals have a right not to provide certain medical procedures they object to (in certain, non-emergent circumstances), I don’t think they should withhold information about treatment options from patients. Stick with me on this.

When I went to (a very Catholic) nursing school and went to work in (a very Catholic) hospital, I was still Very Catholic (I have since recovered), and very concerned that I would be asked to assist with an abortion some day, so I purposefully avoided working in a hospital where that would ever be asked of me.

But I would NEVER morally be able to say to a rape victim, a desperate single woman who has no support, or to someone who would die if they remained pregnant, “Sorry, I can’t talk to you about where else to turn for abortion resources and information because it’s against my religion.” (Or my religion at the time, since I haven’t been Catholic since some Colorado priest said I had to vote for Bush or go to hell.)

When I signed up to be an RN, I did so fully knowing that I would have to put my PATIENT’S welfare above my own judgments and opinions.

To me, becoming a medical professional then saying that you won’t give patients certain medical information is the same as joining up for the military, then expecting special treatment because you don’t “believe in” war.

A Jehovah’s Witness friend was an RN with me on the Intensive Care unit, and you didn’t hear her whine and spew about giving blood transfusions. It was against her religion, but it was her JOB and it was what was medically best for the patient so she did it.

If you’re an RN or a doctor who doesn’t believe in elective, non-emergent abortions, then by all means don’t work where you’d have to be a part of giving that procedure.

However, sometimes your patients will need information about where to receive services that you don’t personally find “moral” (such as abortion, birth control, tubal ligation/vasectomies, or emergency contraception), and by God it is your DUTY to tell them that these things are options, and where else to go to get more information. Especially if the information is time-sensitive, like EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION.

When I worked for one of those “ask-a-nurse” lines, we’d get callers asking about emergency contraception all of the time, and I wasn’t allowed to tell them anything because I worked for a faith-based hospital.

As an RN I found this in direct conflict with my duty to provide my patient with information that was the best for them medically.

Although EC is not the magic-fluffy-unicorn-and-rainbow-gumdrop-smiles pill that some people seem to think it is, it’s potential dangers and side effects are certainly less than having an invasive medical procedure like an abortion.

Again, let me make this perfectly clear: Although I think it’s a faith-based hospital’s right to not give treatments that their viewpoint considers murderous, I think it’s irresponsible for them to withhold medical advice about treatment alternatives that are as TIME SENSITIVE as emergency contraception. The delay in seeking EC may cause the patient to eventually need an abortion, which has more medical risks for the patient.

Isn’t the medical profession all about doing what is the best thing for the patient’s health?

Also, even faith-based hospitals receive huge amounts of government money (medicare, medicaid). So I do think they have some responsibility to all patients, not just ones that believe in a particular religion.

So, when callers would call the ask-a nurse line asking about EC, I’d tell them (as required) that the ask-a-nurse line is operated by a faith-based organization and I was not allowed to give any advice about the morning-after pill.

But then I’d add, “You need to call your doctor RIGHT AWAY or go to a non-religious ER right away to receive that information.”

Do you see what I did there?

I could have been fired for saying that (and the religious zealots of the organization called us trying to trap us all of the time, so it was a huge risk for me to say that).

You’d think the caller would get the hint, right?

Here’s an example of a typical conversation (usually it’s the male callers that get all pissed off; the female callers seemed to catch on):

Caller (mad): What do you mean you can’t give me that info? That’s your JOB!

What I wanted to say: Hey asswipe, this call is free and you’re not paying me. Your recent promotion to cashier at the Texaco is not equivalent to bachelors degree in nursing so don’t tell me what my job is. Besides, I just risked my job telling you what to do anyway, even though it’s not my fault that you’re too selfish, stupid, irresponsible, and impulsive to wear a condom!

What I said: OK, let me repeat to you that I’m not allowed to tell you anything, and that I’m not allowed to say that YOUR GIRLFRIEND NEEDS TO BE SEEN IN A NON-RELIGIOUS-BASED ER OR NEEDS TO CALL HER DOCTOR THIS WEEKEND.

Caller (even madder): Why can’t you just fucking answer me and tell me what we need to do!

Me (pissy, and talking slowly like I was talking to the stupidest asswipe on the planet, which I was): Think about what I said for a moment. I said that I’m not allowed to tell you that your girlfriend only has 72 hours from the time you had sex to seek emergency contraception, that you’re running out of time, and that you cannot get this service from any religious hospital. I’m NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU what I JUST TOLD YOU.

Rocket scientist: Whatever. Thanks for not helping me, bitch! *hangs up*

Me: Please God, don’t let that stupid fuck breed.

See, even if I thought that emergency contraception was murder (and having been raised Catholic, we were taught to believe that life begins at conception, not implantation, so it would be murder according to my religion), it is still my duty to give the patient time-sensitive medical information that is best for their health.

That’s why I said what I was not allowed to say at the nurse advice line. If they called and they’re 12 weeks pregnant and want an abortion and are having no problems, I would go by the rules and them we were faith-based and they would have to go somewhere else for the information, because it was not a time-sensitive issue and they would have time to wait until Monday to call Planned Parenthood or their doctor. However, with EC, there is often not that much time. I would have rather lost my job than violate my duty to do what was best for the patient medically.

Please tell your friends: EC is not without risks and side effects, so don’t consider it something that you can just casually pick up, like a pack of gum. It’s best to plan ahead and use birth control than think, “Oh well, I’ll get laid tonight and just pop some EC in the morning.” However, EC is much better medically and emotionally than having an abortion later on, so if you ever need it, you must take it within 72 hours of having sex, and you won’t get it at a religious hospital.

PROTIP: If the hospital name has the word “Saint” anywhere in it, you won’t likely be getting EC there, depending on the ER doc, so don’t even try.

Also, Planned Parenthood is your FRIEND.

Know your EC and birth control facts BEFORE you need them, because if the article at Alas, A Blog (and my personal experience) is any indication, you may not be able to GET the information when you DO need it.

Let’s check the website We’re Not Afraid, to make sure it has all the elements of awesomeness:

• Tons of cool pictures of people and animals: CHECK
• Telling terrorists to go fuck themselves: CHECK

Awesomeness verified! If you’re a photo whore like I am, you’ll especially love the site.

My contribution:

Thanks to the wonderful Tess of Cranky Chick for the link!

The website Tom Cruise is Nuts is not only a must-read, but will surely have new fodder added for months to come.

A quote from the site:

“If vitamins and exercise alone explain why Tom Cruise is so, um, knowledgeable and well-grounded, pass the Prozac.”
- Chicago Tribune

I know I take the whole scientology thing a bit personally, what with them solely responsible for the death of my biological mother and all, but I have to say that I’ve decided to boycott every film Tom Cruise makes.

People, we can vote with our dollars and let Hollywood scientologists know that we hold them responsible for endorsing a murderous cult.

Thanks to Julie of It’s a Trip! for the link!

Apparently, scientology is wasting no time in getting their claws into the willing victim that is Katie Holmes. I expected that, but I didn’t expect the cult to be so obvious about being controlling, media-hungry fucking bastards.

During the W interview, the actress wouldn’t part from Jessica Rodriguez, who is described as her “Scientologist chaperone.” Rodriguez’s role in Holmes’ life remains vague, though Rodriguez says they’re “just best friends” since meeting around the time Holmes met Cruise.

“You adore him,” Rodriguez told Holmes when the actress was at a loss for words to describe her love.

Countdown to when the cult of scientology’s lawyers go after CNN and W for publicizing their psychoness: 5… 4… 3…

Thanks to The Smooshie Diaries who alerted me to this.

Utter Wonder critiques the latest fashions of the Westboro Baptist Church.

The fashion review had me almost wetting myself with laughter, but the fact that people THAT STUPID not only walk the earth, but have the ability to make POSTERS…

I shudder.

( Thanks for the link, Bitch, PhD! )

G-A-Y has some fashion advice for the protesters that is also a must-see.

First Tom Cruise criticizes Brooke Shields for taking antidepressants to combat postpartum depression, and now he is attacking the use of psychiatric medications, and psychiatry itself, because he’s “read the research” and therefore knows more than any other medical professional on the planet.

As an RN, I’ve worked with patients suffering from a wide spectrum of psychological problems, from occasional anxiety and depression, all the way to bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I doubt if Tom has done this. Yet he feels he’s qualified to tell psych patients, some of whom cannot function in society without their medications, to quit listening to their psychiatrist and to just stop taking their meds.

Fuck you Tom. Why don’t you do some research on your own cult that has killed hundreds of people. Why don’t you open your eyes to the truth about that?

Let me tell you all a little story. A story I like to call…

WHY I HATE SCIENTOLOGY: A KINDA PERSONAL TESTIMONY

I was adopted at birth, and after I turned 18 I spent 15 years searching for my biological relatives.

Finally found them two years ago, but unfortunately my mother had died. She had been a member of the church of scientology (intentionally NOT capitalized) for almost 20 years. She was a “celebrity liason”, which meant that John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, and all of those people likely knew her well.
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