How I learned the difference between farts and boners
Kids these days know way too much about the world, at an inappropriately young age.
Not that it’s better to be blindly naiive, the way I was until my 20’s.
Here’s an example: I didn’t know what a “boner” was until I was 14. I had just moved to Wichita, Kansas from a very small baptist town in Oklahoma. Sex was never, ever talked about. No one had it. (Except cousins; it WAS Oklahoma, after all! Hee!)
I knew it took a man and a woman to have a baby. I didn’t know the engineering behind how that happened. I had some idea that something had to be inserted somewhere. But I didn’t know that something else became hard and grew in size, like it was a Saturday morning cartoon super hero with amazing abilities so it could fight crime! (”Wonder Twin powers — ACTIVATE!”)
I finally learned about boners from a friend during the first week of Catholic high school. A group of us girls were gathered around Terry, fixated and repulsed as she explained what a “boner” was. We almost didn’t believe her. But she spoke with such authority, it had to be true.
I remained naiive (read: stupid) for many many years. In 1989, I was 21 and in an EMT class at college. There were 50 students, 42 of them male. (YESSS! THANK YOU, JESUS!)
But one day during a class lecture, I totally humiliated myself. We were in a big lecture hall, the kind you can joke around in and the teacher wouldn’t hear you. My instructor Craig was in the front of the classroom teaching about emergency response to hemorrhagic shock.
Now Craig had “been there, done that”. He came from the “Mother, Juggs and Speed” days of EMS. He had a story for everything, so of course he had a story for non-traumatic hemorrhagic shock.
Craig told us about a patient who wanted to refuse treatment. He was an alcoholic transient staying in a run-down hotel. Craig said it was lucky he and his partner hung around, because the patient finally agreed to go to the hospital. Little did they know, the patient had a GI bleed just cookin’ away inside him. (That’s where either the esophagus, stomach or the intestines is bleeding. If it’s bleeding a lot, it can be fatal very fast).
So Craig is talking to us (the class) about how he and his partner and the cops got the patient and loaded him into the elevator. And the patient started having “the worst flatulence” on the way down.
I was shocked he was telling us this! He went on and on about how everyone noticed the patient’s flatulence, tried to pretend they didn’t, and how Craig was getting sick because of the flatulence.
I was shocked, but started rolling with laughter. Others thought the story was funny, but I was freaking out! Laughing, saying “oh my God”, everything. Poor Craig, having to be in the elevator with this guy and his blatant flatulence!
Did I mention I thought “flatulence” meant a raging, hard-on BONER? (I think I had “flatulence” confused with “priapism“.)
So 49 students and Craig think they’re partaking in a story about heinous farts. I’m the only one in the room who thinks Craig is bragging about a transient having a hard-on over him.
Some guys around me asked me what my problem was, and when I told them my take on the story, they nicely explained to me what flatulence REALLY meant. When I said, “Oh, I thought it meant boner!” that whole corner of the room started laughing. So, as Craig went on with the story about how the flatulence got worse when the patient was in the ambulance, and about how it was brought about by a condition that caused a loss of blood volume, everyone around me was now picturing the transient dying from hypovolemic shock because all his blood was diverted to his penis. The entire corner of the room was laughing hysterically, and Craig just thought it was because he was a master storyteller, so no harm done.
And that, my friends, is how at the age of 21 I learned the difference between farts and boners.
Epilogue: The story did end with the patient surviving, despite shitting blood and feces all over the back of the ambulance and the paramedics, in case you’re wondering how things turned out. A happy ending.
I tend to think that it’s a good thing that a 14 year old girl today really knows what a boner is, cause it’ll be a year later or less that a boy will be trying to slip them one. Better they know the consequences of their actions and have some preperation for it, “just in case.” Then again, I’m being stupid cause I think people might actually be SMART. At least when I had sex with my 15-in-a-month girlfriend as a 16-and-a-month year old I used a condom and knew what it meant if I didn’t. I guess if these daytime talk shows can be believed, 14 year olds these days WANT to have babies. The last thing we wanted to have was a baby, we just wanted to feel really good, and we did! Often. But then again, the school I went to was FAR from a Catholic school. Which was good, cause I was (and am) far from Catholic.
Comment by Brian — Friday, August 12, 2005 @ 6:28 am
sure! laugh about it now. damned glad I was elsewhere that night!
Comment by elsa — Friday, August 12, 2005 @ 7:14 am
You’re right about knowing to much to young. While I’m still debating on when is a good time to give my eldest ‘that talk’ I’m finding out he already knows more than I wish him to know. I’m a little slow out of the gate.
As you know, last week he learned what a ‘lap dance’ was - that sure as hell wasn’t part of the talk I had in mind. I figured he wouldn’t know about that till his bachelor party. :/
Comment by Lynne — Friday, August 12, 2005 @ 7:16 am
OK, I have one for you. I had a college roommate more naiive than I was (I was at BYU for God’s sake). Our ‘older’ roommate liked to impart her knowledge on us.
One night, she asked our roommate (Deedee) if she knew what oral sex was. Deedee said that she did and it was ‘totally gross’. She went on to say that she couldn’t believe people did that.
Then my roommate asked her to tell us what she thought oral sex was. Deedee said, “it’s when a man puts his mouth on your breast”.
Hooo- boy, even I (who was very innocent at the time) was on the floor laughing at how much Deedee didn’t know!
Comment by RisibleGirl — Friday, August 12, 2005 @ 9:37 am
Comment by drunkenlagomorph — Friday, August 12, 2005 @ 11:00 pm
Your story made me laugh out loud (I get things wrong too sometimes).
Comment by Jodie — Saturday, August 13, 2005 @ 9:38 am
Hi, sorry for OT, but I could not find your e-mail address. I am hosting the Grand Rounds next week and I have noticed a sharp decrease in contribution from nurses. Even if Nursing Moment takes off, I sure hope that nurses do not just quit submitting to Grand Rounds. Can you, please, help me spread the word and ask your nursing friends to send some entries by Monday at midnight? Perhaps you can post a call for submissions or e-mail other nurse bloggers. Thanks,
Coturnix
Comment by coturnix — Saturday, August 13, 2005 @ 4:00 pm
And that, my friends, is how at the age of 21 I learned the difference between farts and boners.
The Drunken Lagomorph
Trackback by BlogBites — Wednesday, August 17, 2005 @ 11:22 pm
Oh…My…God. I read this at work and was crying with laughter. Awesome story, awesomely told. Sometimes it’s just best we don’t know things because they’re so much funnier that way.
Comment by Chaos — Tuesday, September 13, 2005 @ 10:03 am
When I was in med school the histology prof said something about the male organ being “tumescent.” One of the guys said “What?” “Tumescent.” The prof explained and the somewhat embarrassed student explained, “that is not what we called it in Sylacauga!”
Comment by Doc — Tuesday, November 15, 2005 @ 8:16 pm