Adoption 3: Less rights and more obligations
Read these first (or just scroll down 
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Adoption Part 1
Adoption Part 2
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One of the things that pisses me off most about being adopted is the comments I get. (Not blogging comments — people say these things TO MY FACE!)
One comment that is consistently in the top ten:
“You must be so GRATEFUL to your adopted parents for taking you in!”
Translation: You’re a charity case, and a burden, and I’m superior to you because my parents wanted me.
I’m as grateful to my parents as any child should be to their parents for the time and money it takes, and general pain-in-the-ass it is to raise a child.
But this expectation of society (and of some adoptive parents) that adopted children should be MORE APPRECIATIVE than other children is just one big, gigantic crock of steaming horseshit.
For God’s sake, I was a 9 day old baby! And there was a 2-4 year waiting list for babies at that time. So don’t canonize my parents for taking in this “unwanted” baby. They were blessed with a new member of their family; they did not volunteer for a lifelong case of charity work. They do not deserve the admiration and awe of others who say, “How wonderful of you! I know I couldn’t take in someone else’s bastard child and raise it as my own!”
Sorry, but I don’t care if society, or even my own parents, see me as some sort of “second quality” person who should be eternally grateful for everything that everyone else gets as a matter of course. Like I’m some horrid person that was a huge burden that mooched 18 years of handouts from my parents, yet my brothers were gifts from God to my parents.
I’m grateful I had parents and a home. I’m grateful I’ve never known abject poverty or physical abuse from my parents. I’m grateful for the exact same things that everyone who was raised in a decent home should be grateful for.
But do I owe a bigger debt than those who were raised by their biological parents? No, and fuck anyone who thinks so.
Second most popular quotes (a tie, boys and girls! How exciting!) :
“You went looking for your biological family? How UNGRATEFUL of you!”
“So, your parents loved you and raised you your whole life, and this is how you show your APPRECIATION?! Searching for your *gasp* ‘real’ family?”
AGAIN with the “grateful” and the “appreciation”! Jesus, but people love to point fingers and tell you that you’re not deserving of what you have, and should make amends immediately.
I found (what’s left of) my biological family (maternal side) in 2001. (My biomom was killed by the church of $cientology in 1995. I found two half-brothers, an aunt, a step-aunt, and a second cousin).
When I told my mother that I had found my biofamily, she began with the theatrics and hurt feelings. I stopped her cold.
You see, my mother is way into genealogy. Around that time, she had discovered in HER family heritage an uncle that had fought in the Civil War. She found his gravesite and some stories about his life and everything. It was interesting to me, and she was incredibly excited about it.
So when she started her pouting about my seeking out my relatives, I explained it to her this way:
“You know when you found that Civil War uncle, and all the genealogy stuff you’ve dug up over the years, the stories and the pictures and how interesting that is?”
Mom replied, “Yes?”
I explained, “Well, that man is someone you never met. In fact, most of the relatives you’ve found information on are people you’ve never met. But it’s INTERESTING and important to you, right?”
“Well, of course it is.”
“So, why are adopted people not allowed to have the same curiosity? Why are WE not allowed to have an interest in our blood heritage?”
It shut her up, because she realized she was being hypocritical. She dropped the hurt martyr thing immediately.
A select few in this society truly believe that adopted people have less rights and more obligations than other people. I don’t know if it’s because they think only horrible people would be rejected by their own parents, or maybe they think only horrible parents would “reject” their child (and since we are related to these irresponsible people, we as adopted children are guilty by genetic association). I really can’t say for sure what it is. And the bad attitudes are certainly the exception, not the rule.
Know this:
I’m grateful and appreciative for all my life’s blessings. But, despite being adopted, my debt to the world is no more and no less than any other person on the face of this beautiful earth.
I have a friend who found her birth mom about two weeks ago. Out of state, but they already met. Such a beautiful story - you can check it out here - http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=emerging&tab=weblogs&uid=300733066
You’re a really engaging writer. So strong.
Comment by elsa — Sunday, July 24, 2005 @ 10:17 am
I can´t *believe* some of the stuff people wrote to you.
Comment by anon — Sunday, July 24, 2005 @ 10:18 am
You make some excellent points! I hadn’t even considered that anyone would think it a bad or unusual thing for someone to look for their bio parents. I also think you handled your mom’s hurt/martyr thing very graciously and tactfully even though it was so obviously unfair of her. (of course, a mother’s feeling are not based on “fair” much of the time.) Good for you!
Comment by Dot Bar — Sunday, July 24, 2005 @ 10:25 am
My mother is my biological mother and my dad came into my life (married my mom) when I was five. I do feel that I owe him extra because, although he had a choice whether to marry my mom, he didn’t need to be my dad.
He was my dad in every sense of the word, and has been since day one. To both me and my brother. He was only 23 at the time, so I can well imagine what a huge adjustment it was for him. I did feel terribly guilty in searching for my biological father because I felt that it was a very ungrateful thing to do. But my dad was supportive of it because he knew (knows!) how much I adore him.
Together they adopted my sister. She’s not biologically related to any of us. My mother was horribly abusive, but she was especially abusive to my sister. It made me wish many times that my mother wouldn’t have adopted her- for my sister’s sake. But my sister is my best friend in the world, so for my sake I’m glad they adopted her.
Comment by RisibleGirl — Sunday, July 24, 2005 @ 11:32 am
Comment by drunkenlagomorph — Sunday, July 24, 2005 @ 4:33 pm
Loved this story and telling your adoptive mother.
I found my biological brother about a month ago and we are meeting “live” in a couple weeks. I cannot find the way to tell my parents though. I have told them I found out my bioparents are both dead because I thought that news would ease their minds a bit.
I just cannot figure out what to say when I break it to them that my bio brother and I are in close contact and actually get along real well. The meeting will hurt them most I am sure of it.
ANY SUGGESTIONS FROM ANYONE??
Comment by Amanda — Wednesday, July 27, 2005 @ 1:11 pm
Wow Lago you hit the nail on the head. The biggest issue that influences the relationship between adoptees and their adoptive parents is this need to appear grateful. I think it hinders the formation of a complete parent-child bond, subtly in happy adoptive homes, and severely in dysfunctional ones. Unconditional love can’t happen when gratefulness is required.
Throughout my childhood, my adoptive parents (particularly my a-father) were always going on about how ungrateful my adoptive brother and I were. And we didn’t even know we were adopted! We didn’t find out until we were in our early 20’s.
My adoptive parents were both alcoholics and I was beaten by my a-father, sexually abused by my a-mother as well as the daily verbal and emotional abuse. So was my adoptive bother. I’ve met my bio parents and they are really nice intelligent people with happy children (my half siblings). So I am a bit confused about what I am supposed to be so grateful for.
Seeking out my birth parents was of course just further evidence of how evil, sick, and ungrateful I was. But then again so was everything I did, so what the hey!
Comment by Guy — Sunday, July 31, 2005 @ 9:28 am
Comment by drunkenlagomorph — Sunday, July 31, 2005 @ 11:00 pm